In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England, and said, “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans and then I shall destroy the world.”
He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, “You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard – but no Ark. “Noah”, he roared, “I’m about to start the rain. Where is the Ark?”
“Forgive me, Lord”, begged Noah. “But things have changed. I need Building Regulations Approval because the Ark was over 30m². I’ve been arguing with the Chief Fire Officer about the need for the fire risk assessment and a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim I should have obtained planning permission prior to building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it is a temporary structure, but the roof is too high. I had to appeal to the secretary of state, and you know how long that takes. There may even be a public inquiry.
Because the construction is in my garden the electrical wiring has to be installed by a Part P registered electrician and they are all booked up for four to six months or buried under certificates and paperwork and therefore would not have been able to complete the work within your timescale. As for the plumbers, well I just can’t get hold of them… All I get is “Hi welcome to the Orange Answer Phone, please leave your message after the tone” and needless to say they never call me back.
Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have a tree Preservation Order on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the County Council, The Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the equal opportunities Commission on how many people of different nationalities I’m supposed to hire for my building team, and the requirement for separate female toilets in case I hire a woman.
Also, the trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to Hire only CSCS accredited workers with Ark building experience.
HSE has decreed each employee must be equipped with a life jacket and personal life raft even though we are miles from the sea. They’ve also been talking to me about CDM 2007, whatever that is!
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark.”
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean You’re not going to destroy the world?”
“No,” said the Lord. “The government beat me to it.”