Old School Safety
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Free PowerPoint Slide Show – Funny Safety Pictures
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Safety photos and a few safety jokes – Original jokes are copyrightWhat do you think? please leave a comment
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Myth: Children need to be wrapped in cotton wool to keep them safe
The realityHealth and safety law is often used as an excuse to stop children taking part in exciting activities, but well-managed risk is good for them. It engages their imagination, helps them learn and even teaches them to manage risks for themselves in the future. They won’t understand about risk if they’re wrapped in cotton wool.
Risk itself won’t damage children, but ill-managed and overprotective actions could!
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Safety photos and a few safety jokes – Original jokes are copyrightWhat do you think? please leave a comment
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Workstation assessment
Early workstation assessment
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Safety photos and a few safety jokes – Original jokes are copyrightWhat do you think? please leave a comment
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Asprin
A man goes in for an interview for a job as a safety officer. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and nodding his head.
The interviewer said,
“Although you have a lot of the qualities we’re looking for, the fact that you keep winking and nodding your head disqualifies you.”“Oh, that’s no problem,” said the safety man. “If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking and nodding my head for an hour.”
“Show me,” said the interviewer.So the safety pro reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety , before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon stopped winking and nodding.
The interviewer said, “That’s amazing, but I don’t think we could employ someone who’d be womanising all over the country.”
“Excuse me!” exclaimed the safety pro, “I’m a happily married man, not a womaniser!”
“Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?” asked the interviewer.
The safety expert replied,
“Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, winking and nodding, and asked for a packet of aspirin?”
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Safety photos and a few safety jokes – Original jokes are copyrightWhat do you think? please leave a comment
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How to Make Duct Tape Safety Glasses:“All you’re going to need is duct tape, a hanger, a beer bottle and two plastic furniture caster cups.”
THIS IS NO SPOOF – HE IS SERIOUS!
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Safety photos and a few safety jokes – Original jokes are copyright -
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Improving performance
A small business was having safety problems – 2 serious accidents and an enforcement notice from the Environmental Health Officer (EHO) ! So the Managing Director (MD) called a local safety consultant one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to improve their performance.
“Well, there is one procedure I can recommend that will reduce accidents and pacify the EHO” said the safety consultant, “but it is really rather expensive. It will cost you £10,000 down, and payments of £1000 for 36 months, plus payments for extras of course.
“My goodness!” the MD exclaimed, “that sounds like I’m buying a yacht!”
“Humm,” the safety consultant murmured, “too obvious, huh?”
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Safety photos and a few safety jokes – Original jokes are copyright -
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Myth: Toy ‘weapons’ in a play had to be locked-up and registered with the police
The realityReports said that the theatre company were just following HSE’s guidance sheet.
HSE’s guidance is clear; it deals with real weapons and the kind of accurate replicas that can cause serious injury or be used in robberies. Not plastic toys.
We trust the play did well with all the free publicity!
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Safety photos and a few safety jokes – Original jokes are copyright -
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http://www.jorpor.com ( จป.ดอทคอม ) –>เจ้าหน้าที่ความปลอดภัยในการทำงานระดับวิชาชีพ (จป.วิชาชีพ): “www.jorpor.com”
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Safety photos and a few safety jokes – Original jokes are copyright -
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A Black and White Cartoon About Roof Tiling
“A BLACK AND WHITE CARTOON ABOUT ROOF TILING” BY DAVID FIRTH 4TH MAR ’05
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Safety Officers Retirement Home
Three retired safety officers ages 72, 74, and 76 lived in a home together. One night the 76-year-old drew a bath. He put His foot in and paused. He yelled down the stairs “was I getting into or out of the bath?”
The 74-year-old yelled back “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” He started up the stairs and paused. Then He yelled, “was I going up the stairs or down?”
The 72-year-old sat at the kitchen table having tea, listening to His fellow safety ‘pros’. He shook His head sadly and said, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.” He knocked on wood for good measure. He then yelled, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”
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Good old days – 8 -
Rocking Horse
Britain’s tradition of rocking horse manufacture, which has its roots in knights practising their jousts, could be crippled by new European safety regulations (CENLEC). According to the new standards, “activity toys” cannot have a height from saddle to floor of more than 60cm, less than two feet. That effectively rules out all but the smallest rocking horses, say craftsmen in the cottage industry’s 60 or so firms who comprise the £35m per annum industry. (EU Weekly News – C Mobray 30/11/03 )
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Dead parrot
A safety inspector bought a parrot for his office at work as no one talked to him . After two days, the inspector found his new friend laying on its back – feet pointed straight up.He called a safety consultant he knew who kept parrots, “Please help my friend,” wailed the inspector.
“I’m sorry the bird is quite dead” said the safety consultant. “No, no..it can’t be”, cried the inspector.The consultant called in his own pet, a Labrador retriever, which sniffed the bird, shook his head and walked out.
Next, the consultant called in his cat which carefully walked a circle around the bird and walked out.
“No doubt about it “, said the consultant, “That is a dead bird.”
The consultant reached for his pen and pad. He wrote out a bill and handed it to the safety inspector. “Eight Hundred pounds!?” cried the inspector.
“That’s Correct! I’m charging you for three procedures. There is my opinion, a lab report and a cat scan.”
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Safety photos and a few safety jokes – Original jokes are copyright -
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Good old days – 5 -
THOUSANDS of farmers and other workers are to be banned from driving tractors, lorries and dumper trucks for much of the working day under an EU directive on vibrating machinery. The restrictive limits of the EU Physical Agents (Vibration) Directive were agreed in Brussels yesterday and will be published this summer. The directive was immediately condemned by the National Farmers’ Union as a “masterpiece in madness”. The NFU led opposition to the directive because it meant farmers would have been forbidden from driving a tractor for more than three to four hours a day. That limit was roughly doubled yesterday and farmers were given a five-year extension to convert existing tractors and machinery to comply with the directive. Any restriction on the time farmers can spend at the wheel of their tractors will have big cost implications, particularly at harvest time. However, the impact of the law will be even heavier on other industries. The Health and Safety Executive said yesterday that it would cost £3 billion to £4.8 billion to implement. Ben Gill, the NFU president, said: “This directive has been driven through without any scientific justification. This is the European nanny state gone mad.” Using an arcane formula to measure the “whole body vibration”, the time limit for using a chainsaw would be one and a half hours. Lorry drivers would be restricted to working for only six hours and dumper truck drivers to two hours. The time limits for using a road drill would be 47 minutes. Road haulage companies say the directive could triple operating costs. The Tories say that the limits, which are designed to prevent lower back pain, will ruin the building industry and hamper farming. They are urging the Government to block the legislation. The directive now has to be rubber-stamped by the European Parliament and the EU’s Council of Ministers. The Government will have three years to implement the regulations. (Daily Telegraph 14/03/2002(Again))
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Safety photos and a few safety jokes – Original jokes are copyright -
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Smuggler
A Scots man comes up to the English border on his bike. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders. The Customs and Excise Officer stops him and says, ‘What’s in the bags?’
‘Sand,’ answered the Scots man.
The officer says, ‘We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike.’ The Customs officer takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the Scots man overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.The officer releases the Scot, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the Scots shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The officer asks, ‘What have you got?’
‘Sand,’ says the Scots man.
The excise officer does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the Scots man, and crosses the border on his bike. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.
Finally, the Scots man, doesn’t show up one day and the officer meets him in a bar in Glasgow.
‘Hey, Jock,’ says the Revenue Officer, ‘I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about…I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?’
The Scots man, sips his Whiskey and says, ‘Bikes.’.
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Safety photos and a few safety jokes – Original jokes are copyright -
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Accident joke
Bill, Jim & Scott were at a safety exhibition together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story hotel in London. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim & Scott, “Let’s break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I’ll tell safety jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing ‘safety dance’ for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad accident stories for the rest of the way.”
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling safety jokes & Jim began to sing. We can We can dance………..
At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad accident stories. “I will tell my saddest story first,” he said. “I left the room key in the car!!!”
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Safety photos and a few safety jokes – Original jokes are copyright -
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Security
The kangaroo at the local zoo was somehow managing to escape every day, so the zookeepers sought advice from their safet manager and constructed a 10-foot tall fence around his enclosure to keep him in.
The next day, the zookeepers found he’d escaped again, the safety manager advised that this could lead to as erious accident, so they built a 20-foot tall fence around the enclosure.
Again, the kangaroo escaped, so the zookeeper contructed a 40-foot wall with spikes at the top and electrical wire along the bottom to prevent him from jumping out.
In the next enclosure, the giraffe asked his friend the kangaroo, “How high do you think they’ll keep building this wall?
The kangaroo replied, “I don’t know, maybe a thousand feet. Either that or until someone stops leaving the gate open at night.”
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Safety photos and a few safety jokes – Original jokes are copyright -
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What is "pi"?
Mathematician: Pi is the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter.Engineer: Pi is about 22/7.
Physicist: Pi is 3.14159 plus or minus 0.000005
Computer Programmer: Pi is 3.141592653589 in double precision.
Safety Manager: You one track math-minded fellows, Pie is a healthy and delicious dessert!
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Safety news, safety photos and a few safety jokes -
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Human Resources
Subject: Human Resources Memo
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative “TRY SAYING” phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and Information can continue in an effective manner.
1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.
2) TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She’s a f___ing bit__.
3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible. INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
5) TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be sh___ing me!
6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with… INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
7) TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It’s not my f___ing problem.
8) TRY SAYING: That’s interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
9) TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won’t work.
10) TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn’t you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his a__.
12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD FO: Eat sh__ and die.
13) TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
14) TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I’m on salary.
15) TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
18) TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He’s a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
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Safety news, safety photos and a few safety jokes -
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Genie
A safety officer, a safety manager and a safety director in a large multi national were walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”
“Me first! Me first!” says the safety officer. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! He’s gone.
“Me next! Me next!” says the safety manager. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.“You’re next,” the Genie says to the safety director. The director says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
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Hard hat
A new safety officer went into the works canteen on the construction site for the first time for a cuppa, he hung his coat and hard hat in the cloakroom and sat down. Unfortunately, the scaffolders always had a habit of picking on new employees, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his hard hat had been stolen.
He went back into the canteen, handily flipped his clip board into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and slapped it down hard onto the table, ‘CRACK’
“Which one of you pole jumpers stole my hat?!?!?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
“Alright, I’m gonna have another cuppa, and if my hat ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I did in London! And I don’t like to have to do what I did in London!”
Some of the scaffolders shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another cuppa, walked outside, and his hard hat has been returned to the cloakroom.
He started to go back to his office. The site foreman wandered out of the canteen and asked, “Oi mate, before you go… what happened in London?”
The safety officer turned back and said, “I had to buy a new hat.”
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Safety news, safety photos and a few safety jokes -
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Ergonomics
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Submarine safety
On board HMS Vulnerable Somewhere in the north Atlantic
00.43hrs Zulu time. The giant sub had been sitting 40 metres below the churning
waves for eight straight hours. The crew were edgy, nervous, sweaty, knowing
that the fate of the nation and the free world was being discussed in the
skipper’s wardroom. The order to fire the boat’s nuclear weapons deep into the
heart of enemy territory had been received and authenticated at 08.00hrs. But
now it was gone midnight and still the missiles were in their tubes.Behind the oak-panelled door of his cabin, Captain Clint Thrust was
listening wearily to his health and safety executive officer, Nigel Ormskirk,
who had read the risk assessment form and was not satisfied.“Captain,
you say here that these missiles contain plutonium and you are proposing that we
detonate them over a city. Do you not realise people could be hurt here?”Twenty-five-year-old Ormskirk had left Keele University with a third in
human resources, having impressed the examiners with his paper on the perils of
hand and arm vibration injuries among stone masons. Since being posted to the
sub fleet, he had chalked up a number of successes, chief among which was
changing his boat’s name from HMS Vanquish to HMS Vulnerable. He was
particularly proud of his 1997 “Be Seen” campaign after which the sub had not
hit a single trawler. Thrust, the gnarled old salty sea dog captain, had
objected, of course, saying the point of a submarine was rather lost if it was
bright orange and had to spend its entire time on the surface. But what did he
know.“You see,” Ormskirk was saying . . . But a shrill beep from the PA
system cut him off: “Con. Sonar. Contact bearing 270 degrees. It’s a destroyer,
sir, and it’s coming right at us.” Thrust keyed the mike. “Stay calm, people.
We’ve plenty of air cover. They can take care of this.”On board the
aircraft carrier HMS Weak Somewhere near the Vulnerable 00.47hrs Zulu Time.
Veteran pilot Jack Kill simply could not believe what he was being told by the
Weak’s health and safety officer, Ron Stapleford. “This is a Harrier GR7,” he
screamed. “What do you mean by saying the wings don’t look long enough?” “I’m
just saying,” said Ron in his Brummie drawl, “that with all those bombs and
missiles, it really doesn’t look very safe.” “Look,” said Kill. “We’ve just got
word from the Vulnerable that she’s under attack. I have to get out there with
my cargo of death. I must spit fire into that enemy ship or the war will be lost
and your children will grow up speaking Russian.” “Don’t worry,” said Ron.
“Ormskirk’s on the Vulnerable. He’s a good man. He’ll make sure they’re safe.”On board the Vulnerable somewhere in the north Atlantic 00.55hrs Zulu
time The depth charges were raining down, sending the orange sub reeling from
side to side. Thrust was barking orders to the helmsman: “Flood tubes one and
four.” “Sorry, sir,” said the burly helmsman. “New regulations from health and
safety. After the Herald of Free Enterprise disaster, the doors have been welded
shut.”
“Oh, for Christ’s sake,” yelled Thrust as yet another depth charge
hammered the hull. “Where’s Ormskirk?”He was in the galley, a look of
abject horror on his face: “For crying out loud. How many times do I have to
tell you people that you must not store meat and dairy products in the same
fridge. Do you want to have tummy ache?”Before they could answer, an
enormous explosion ripped the propeller from its mountings and a wall of
freezing sea water spurted into the engine room. “Close all hatches,” yelled
Thrust over the PA system. Oh no, thought Ormskirk. Some of the men have
boyfriends back there. They must be allowed to try to save them.Back in
the engine room, the trapped men were trying to open the hatch to get out before
the north Atlantic claimed yet another teenage soul. Some were screaming. Some
were praying. Some were struggling with the latch. But each and every one
breathed a sigh of relief when the man from health and safety appeared at the
window. “Do you need counselling?” he said. “No,” they shouted. “We want you to
open this hatch. It can only be done from the outside.” “Yes,” said Ormskirk,
“that’s a valid safety point and I’ll be sure to file a report when we get
back.” “Open the bloody thing,” they shouted. “I can’t,” said Ormskirk. “You
know as well as I do that it’s a two-man job. I could crick my back if I tried
to do it on my own.”But then he had an idea. He opened a secure channel
to Thrust. “Captain: there are men back here in water that’s 4oC colder than we
recommend. I order you to surrender.”…………
Gulag 43 Siberia,
Russia – Three months later.It was a grey, misty morning and silence
hung over the prison yard like an old dishcloth as Nigel Ormskirk was tied to
the bullet-ridden post.“Ready,” screamed the Russian execution party
leader. “Take aim . . . ”“Hold on a minute,” said Nigel. “You aren’t
allowed to use loaded weapons unless there’s a trained armourer on the . . .”“Fire!.”
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